So, I've gotten some good feedback. That's very encouraging and I thank you for it. Also, I finally had time to tweek the blog settings, so you can all comment on the blog, now. My family brought out the "Dork At Work" sign while I figured that out. Amusing, in its way, to be sure.
This is the second part of what you read before. I noticed a lot of errors during the proofread and some parts that just made me wonder where my head was at when I wrote this. I must have been watching "Meet the Parents." Really, this piece was just thrown together, though you wouldn't believe it just looking at all the trees I've killed writing it. Anyway, what I did notice was a lack of backstory to the characters. Must rectify that situation at some point. That should all come with the first rewrite, though. Enjoy!
James ended up sitting down next to Lauren Jackson, a sanctimonious former- Barbie doll who was the type of woman you expect to see carrying a Chihuahua in a pink handbag, who would never disclose her true age, because that was just too vulgar a thing to do ("A steady thirty-five, darling, if anyone asks."), but could tell you she had just had work done on the bridge of her nose by a high-class plastic surgeon ("Definitely not an outpatient procedure, hon."). Again, it was oh-so vulgar to say what anyone spent on something, but it would probably "be sufficient for the car payment on his new Mercedes-Benz." James was just charmed, especially since he owned one and knew exactly how much the payment was. Of course, she hadn't known that and Joanna's telling her before had completely gone out of her mind. "I wouldn't expect you to remember, dear," he had replied, "what with everything else you have to keep your mind occupied. The wedding, now so very near, has, of course, completely thrown you off base, I imagine."
"By the way," she said, her voice oozing confidentiality, "how are you coping with all this?"
"Excuse me?" he said, at first confused. She repeated her question, adding a few phrases of explanation: "Well, I have had to take a few weeks off work to help out, here and there, but they can survive without me at the office. I'm only a minor cog in the grand inner workings of the company. Really, I only get paid for letting the use my name on the letterhead, is all."
"Yes, but I mean personally, dear," continued Lauren Jackson. "It must be hard for you, after all. Her previous husband, God rest his soul, was like a father to you. Does it feel as though she's replacing him?"
James stopped for only a moment before replying, icily, "I have no idea what you mean, love. I say, Peter," he continued, easing into the swing of conversation again.
"Please, call me Pete," he said with his affected Texas-twang. He styled himself a son of the Lone Star, a true patriot and entrepreneur.
"Yes, Pete, I had forgotten. I say, Mercedes are damnably expensive to repair, what? It cost me a ridiculous amount just to put new brake pads on and rotate my tires."
"Indeed, they are costly," he agreed, the twang grating in James' ears. "But I remember when I owned one in y younger days, a sporty little convertible, bright red. I used to put the top down and cruise through the neighborhood, let all the girls flock to e like so many moths to the flame of my personality. Even Lauren couldn't resist me back then, in our younger days. I' sure you have the same problem with your love life. Eh, Jimmy?"
"Yeah, sure. Actually, I don't really, you see. I think its my hair, really. You see, I'm going bald prematurely. My doctor says its all the stress at work. Girls just don't like feeling like they're dating a grandpa, you know. Sort of ruins the moment, if you know what I mean. But hey, I'm only twenty-six; I've got time to wait for a cure. Eh, Pete?"
"I'm going to kill her," shouted James. He and Laurence had retired to their shared room after the festivities. They were friends and business partners, so they were used to bumming around with each other. They had been friends since college and even considered going into business with each other at one point. Eric's death had put an end to that. Laurence was splayed wheel-wise on his bed, soaking his face with a wet towel.
Can you please stop shouting," he pleaded. "I have the beginnings of a major hangover and you are not helping."
"I am going to kill her and then I'm going to kill him. I think I'll do it slowly, maybe. Cut their hearts out with a knife, not that I'll be able to find any, except maybe with a microscope. Imagine how they've survived with organs that small."
"Oh, dear God," moaned Laurence.
"I don't think there's a pint of blood between the two of them, a Vampire's nightmare. Did you hear what she said? Trying to insinuate a seed of discontent against Joanna, playing on my love for Eric. What sort of insidious nightmare is she?"
"The real kind."
And him! He's just ridiculous. Did you notice the underhanded manner in which he usurped the position of host? Greeting people like he payed for all of it. Makes my blood boil."
"Can you take it down to a simmer?" asked the invalid. "There's nothing you can do about it tonight. Its deucedly impolite to murder a couple in the middle of the night, though I dare say that its been done before. And remember, he didn't bite you, you bit him. Think about it. She hurt you because she can't do anything about Joanna. Then you did the exact same thing. Are you really any better?"
James stopped ranting for a few moments."Valid point," he sighed, collapsing onto a nearby chair. "I guess not. How am I ever going to survive the next couple days?" "Booze and vicodin, man. Now, turn the light off and go to sleep."
James clicked the lamp off and slowly undressed. The terrible thing was, he was paying for their hotel room. He would certainly regret that later. It wasn't the money, just the principle of the thing. Luckily, he wasn't the one who was going to end up actually related to them; they were Joanna's problem.
And he was Arthur's. Arthur definitely got the better part of the deal, or at least in his mind. Just a brother-in-law, no new parents or expectations, no tape measure pulled up to measure his nature. Arthur was a good fit, anyway. He neither sought nor didn't seek to step into Eric's shoes, merely to be a friend on his own merits. That suited James just fine. He was a bit old to need a father figure in his life and no one could replace Eric for him. He was the only father he had ever known, or ever needed. He missed him terribly and he knew Joanna did, too. It was just that she was getting over it and she had chosen to do that with Arthur. He, on the other hand, didn't seem to be moving on at all. He was just existing.
This is the second part of what you read before. I noticed a lot of errors during the proofread and some parts that just made me wonder where my head was at when I wrote this. I must have been watching "Meet the Parents." Really, this piece was just thrown together, though you wouldn't believe it just looking at all the trees I've killed writing it. Anyway, what I did notice was a lack of backstory to the characters. Must rectify that situation at some point. That should all come with the first rewrite, though. Enjoy!
James ended up sitting down next to Lauren Jackson, a sanctimonious former- Barbie doll who was the type of woman you expect to see carrying a Chihuahua in a pink handbag, who would never disclose her true age, because that was just too vulgar a thing to do ("A steady thirty-five, darling, if anyone asks."), but could tell you she had just had work done on the bridge of her nose by a high-class plastic surgeon ("Definitely not an outpatient procedure, hon."). Again, it was oh-so vulgar to say what anyone spent on something, but it would probably "be sufficient for the car payment on his new Mercedes-Benz." James was just charmed, especially since he owned one and knew exactly how much the payment was. Of course, she hadn't known that and Joanna's telling her before had completely gone out of her mind. "I wouldn't expect you to remember, dear," he had replied, "what with everything else you have to keep your mind occupied. The wedding, now so very near, has, of course, completely thrown you off base, I imagine."
"By the way," she said, her voice oozing confidentiality, "how are you coping with all this?"
"Excuse me?" he said, at first confused. She repeated her question, adding a few phrases of explanation: "Well, I have had to take a few weeks off work to help out, here and there, but they can survive without me at the office. I'm only a minor cog in the grand inner workings of the company. Really, I only get paid for letting the use my name on the letterhead, is all."
"Yes, but I mean personally, dear," continued Lauren Jackson. "It must be hard for you, after all. Her previous husband, God rest his soul, was like a father to you. Does it feel as though she's replacing him?"
James stopped for only a moment before replying, icily, "I have no idea what you mean, love. I say, Peter," he continued, easing into the swing of conversation again.
"Please, call me Pete," he said with his affected Texas-twang. He styled himself a son of the Lone Star, a true patriot and entrepreneur.
"Yes, Pete, I had forgotten. I say, Mercedes are damnably expensive to repair, what? It cost me a ridiculous amount just to put new brake pads on and rotate my tires."
"Indeed, they are costly," he agreed, the twang grating in James' ears. "But I remember when I owned one in y younger days, a sporty little convertible, bright red. I used to put the top down and cruise through the neighborhood, let all the girls flock to e like so many moths to the flame of my personality. Even Lauren couldn't resist me back then, in our younger days. I' sure you have the same problem with your love life. Eh, Jimmy?"
"Yeah, sure. Actually, I don't really, you see. I think its my hair, really. You see, I'm going bald prematurely. My doctor says its all the stress at work. Girls just don't like feeling like they're dating a grandpa, you know. Sort of ruins the moment, if you know what I mean. But hey, I'm only twenty-six; I've got time to wait for a cure. Eh, Pete?"
"I'm going to kill her," shouted James. He and Laurence had retired to their shared room after the festivities. They were friends and business partners, so they were used to bumming around with each other. They had been friends since college and even considered going into business with each other at one point. Eric's death had put an end to that. Laurence was splayed wheel-wise on his bed, soaking his face with a wet towel.
Can you please stop shouting," he pleaded. "I have the beginnings of a major hangover and you are not helping."
"I am going to kill her and then I'm going to kill him. I think I'll do it slowly, maybe. Cut their hearts out with a knife, not that I'll be able to find any, except maybe with a microscope. Imagine how they've survived with organs that small."
"Oh, dear God," moaned Laurence.
"I don't think there's a pint of blood between the two of them, a Vampire's nightmare. Did you hear what she said? Trying to insinuate a seed of discontent against Joanna, playing on my love for Eric. What sort of insidious nightmare is she?"
"The real kind."
And him! He's just ridiculous. Did you notice the underhanded manner in which he usurped the position of host? Greeting people like he payed for all of it. Makes my blood boil."
"Can you take it down to a simmer?" asked the invalid. "There's nothing you can do about it tonight. Its deucedly impolite to murder a couple in the middle of the night, though I dare say that its been done before. And remember, he didn't bite you, you bit him. Think about it. She hurt you because she can't do anything about Joanna. Then you did the exact same thing. Are you really any better?"
James stopped ranting for a few moments."Valid point," he sighed, collapsing onto a nearby chair. "I guess not. How am I ever going to survive the next couple days?" "Booze and vicodin, man. Now, turn the light off and go to sleep."
James clicked the lamp off and slowly undressed. The terrible thing was, he was paying for their hotel room. He would certainly regret that later. It wasn't the money, just the principle of the thing. Luckily, he wasn't the one who was going to end up actually related to them; they were Joanna's problem.
And he was Arthur's. Arthur definitely got the better part of the deal, or at least in his mind. Just a brother-in-law, no new parents or expectations, no tape measure pulled up to measure his nature. Arthur was a good fit, anyway. He neither sought nor didn't seek to step into Eric's shoes, merely to be a friend on his own merits. That suited James just fine. He was a bit old to need a father figure in his life and no one could replace Eric for him. He was the only father he had ever known, or ever needed. He missed him terribly and he knew Joanna did, too. It was just that she was getting over it and she had chosen to do that with Arthur. He, on the other hand, didn't seem to be moving on at all. He was just existing.
2 comments:
No worries about the lack of backstory. Tons of stories start out with a certain set of circumstances, then fill you in on the character as the story progresses. That doesn't bother me.
I do hate when a character has excessive internal dialogue. 5 points to you for not writing that way. :)
I think you should make the rich snotty couple way more vindictive if you want your characters so riled up. I mean, basic snobbery is kind of common - but if they are really nasty people there's more you might want to have them do. :)
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